Where Are You God?
Category: Surviving crises
By Linda Ranson Jacobs
www.DC4K.org/parentzone
Oh God, if I could just hold her. I want to comfort her and let her know everything is going to be okay. I just want to pull her in close to me and let her feel my skin and feel me close to her. I want her to feel my heart beat against her heart. I want her to know that I have a special love for her. I want to be a special person in her life. Please Lord, allow me to hold little Lexi before I have to return home. As I stood outside the viewing windows in the hospital, I prayed fervently to the Lord. This was my granddaughter, my son's first child.
As I looked at this little baby, I remembered when my son was born. In a few moments' time his growing up years passed before my eyes, and now here I was looking at his child; only, his daughter was very sick.
The moment she was born she was whisked away to the neo-natal unit at the hospital. And now the doctors were telling us they weren't exactly sure what the problem was. Her lungs were full of fluid. No one could explain why or what was to happen. All we could do was wait. We couldn't hold her or talk to her. We mostly just stood outside the viewing windows peering through trying to get a glimpse of this precious baby. I felt so helpless as I watched through the windows as my son talked to the nurses. I watched her little tummy rise and fall rapidly with each breath.
I wish I could tell you that in my single parenting journey that I had always waited patiently for the Lord. Believe me I had lofty ideals of always waiting on the Lord. I'd like to impress you by saying that I would righteously read in Lamentations 3:24, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The image I'd like to present is that I never got discouraged, but the truth is I did get tired of waiting on God. I did get discouraged when it seemed God delayed answering a prayer. In parenting my two children by myself, I knew that God was all I needed. I knew the Lord was my portion, and in reality I would have to wait for Him. But let me tell you there were times I just didn't want to wait for Him. There were times I wanted to shout, "Wake up, God. I'm down here waiting on You. Get up and stop rejecting me. Why are you hiding from me? Have you forgotten me? Don't you know about my misery? I'm oppressed God. Look at me, will you?" Of course, that is my version of the scripture in Psalm 44:23-24 "Awake, O Lord! Why do you sleep? Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever. Why do you hide your face and forget our misery and oppression?"
I learned down through the years that God's Word is full of people waiting for the Lord. Some did wait patiently. Some turned to God only in times of trouble. Some got discouraged. Some seemed to exude patience and trust in God. As a single parent I came to love the Psalms. I could relate to the rise and fall of trust, discouragement, hope, crying out to God in anguish and then crying out to Him in adoration.
Another Opportunity to Trust God
As I looked at this beautiful little life lying so still, I thought to myself, "Time to trust God some more." I discovered a long time ago that as a single parent the only way I was going to survive was to trust God. Trusting God is what life is all about. This provided another opportunity to wait on the Lord and to trust Him. It didn't mean that I wanted to wait on the Lord but it did mean I had to trust the Lord. I had to keep my eyes focused on Him. In my younger years I thought perhaps waiting on the Lord might get easier as I got more mature and my children got older. Now I discover waiting isn't any easier, but I do better understand the process of waiting, which probably lessens my stress.
As I watched my new granddaughter, I prayed for the Lord to heal her. I prayed for the doctors and the nurses, and for her mom and dad. I even prayed for myself. Then I began to pour out my heart and desires to the Lord. I told the Lord again that if I could just hold this little child before I had to fly home, I would be okay. I was only scheduled to stay one week. As the week passed by ever so quickly, I ached to hold that baby. On Friday night as I was praying to be able to hold Lexi and comfort her, the Lord quickened me in my spirit and I heard, "Oh my, that's what I have wanted to do so many times when you were struggling as a single parent. I just wanted to hold you and pull you in close to me and tell you everything was going to work out. I wanted you to feel me and sense I was there.
"I have walked along beside you all these years. I was there when you were struggling to understand the why of divorce. I was there when your children were hurting. I have watched you and provided for you. I parented with you as you parented your children. You were never alone. And this child is not alone. I am with her."
There was such a strong urging and quickening that for days I couldn't get it out of my mind. I kept hearing the Lord's words. At some point I realized that the Lord wanted me to use this story as an encouragement to all single parents. So at the Lord's urging, this is what I have to say to you, Mr. or Ms. Single Parent. You can do this. You can wait on the Lord. Sure you are going to get discouraged. Sure you are going to wonder why you have to do this alone. There might be days when you go to the Word and try and read, but the understanding won't come. Those are the times you need to envision God holding you.
You can raise your children as a single parent. You can survive whatever life has in store for you and your children. Follow God's commands. Read His Word. Turn to God and allow Him to be the other parent in your home. Remember He sent His Son to die on the cross for you. He gave His precious child for you. He loves you. And He loves your children. He is there all the time.
This past Christmas found Lexi a vibrant and active two year old. She had fallen in love with the Christmas tree and the lights on the tree. Every night as her mother would turn off the lights on the tree, she would say, "Night, night tree." This was her signal it was time to go to bed. Life for Lexi was good. One night after the lights on the tree were turned off, she began to get very agitated and upset. She started off by muttering and then her voice got louder and louder until she was shouting. As I listened to her shouting, I heard, "Wake up tree! Wake up tree! WAKE UP TREEEEEEEE!" In her little mind she equated the tree being awake with the ability for her to stay up later. With the lights off, life for little Lexi was no longer good. I thought back to the times in my life when I had shouted, "Wake up, God!" There had been times when it seemed the lights had been turned off and life wasn't so good.
When those troubled times come for you and you don't think you can go forward one more moment, just think of God saying ever so quietly, "If I could just hold you." God will hold you. Let there be no doubt. He will guide you every step of the way. He will light your way. "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms" (Deuteronomy 33:27). Wait no more.
© MMV, MMVII by the author and/or Church Initiative. All rights reserved. Reproducible when used in conjunction with a DivorceCare or DC4K ministry.
Linda Ranson Jacobs created and developed the DivorceCare for Kids program.
To find more about DivorceCare for Kids or to find a DC4K group near you, go to www.dc4k.org.